Yesterday at 4pm, I reached 7 whole days without a cigarette. And I know (according to contemporary convention) that I deserve a round of applause, pat on the pack, give a dog a bone, and all those things you say to someone who is going through something that you only know is impressive if you yourself have gone through it. Or, if someone else has told you how impressive it is. Then you can pass along your mildly condescending, though appreciated, congratulations and move on to other more interesting things. I know; a week in internet time is far longer than the average virtual attention span. I’m basically obsolete at this point.
I’m also feeling obsolete because I wanted to log about quitting smoking, but all I feel is this rage at my face. I want to talk about gooey food, and aches in my mandible. I want everyone to know that this sucks!
….But everyone does know. This being Minnesota, there’s nary a soul older than 25 who hasn’t been robbed of their teeth, (that is not to say that there are no individuals who reserve their teeth, just few) and this being the case, most people are inclined towards the “I know. It does suck. Don’t get dry sockets.” So now I have to face the reality that I’m arbitrary and moot. My toothless story is neither original nor interesting. It’s not even the story I set out to tell!
And so, back to the point of it all:
I really want a cigarette, but more than that, I want my face to feel normal again so that when I have the cigarette it will be as it should. I know this face of mine will only get worse if I smoke. And this knowledge makes me laugh at myself for two reasons. One, my motivation is less “it’s better for me to be a nonsmoker” and more” Gawd, I really do not want dry sockets”. And two, here I am, digressing on my wisdom teeth removal again.
If I want to stay motivated by the right reasons, I have to think about the money I will save. However on not-so-much-closer inspection, you can see that isn’t exactly what I mean by “motivated by the right reasons”, is it? Avoidance of pain and cash are at the top of my “Quit the Cancer Sticks” totem pole. You can tell me that it doesn’t matter why I’m quitting, just that I am. I’ll even let you say it without a big fuss. But it forces me to dwell on the question, if intention doesn’t matter than what does? Is it only the action of quitting that holds merit? Or are some reasons more virtuous than others? And, if there are more virtuous reasons, which one is the most virtuous? And, most importantly, as a quitter, how do I quit for the most virtuous reason?
I cannot argue that quitting because I want to save money is as virtuous as quitting because you’re pregnant. Nor that quitting because you’re tired of standing in the snow is as virtuous as quitting because you want to see you grandchildren grow up. And quitting because of the health risks barely makes sense at all. The risks to your health haven’t changed in a decade. Cigarettes are bad, they can (and probably will) kill you. This aphorism hasn’t changed, and people are still smoking. New smokers start and old smokers quit every day. This means that EVERY quitter has to have another motivation that ultimately tips them into the nonsmoker pool.
I know most readers will respond with, “Jean, you think too much. It doesn’t matter. It’s just great that you’re quitting.” But C’mon! It does matter, right. It has to matter. I think I should quit because it’s good for me. But that’s not why I’m quitting. There’s just a bunch of “should” all over my quitting plan.
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