Quitter's Log 12/1/11

I’ve passed the 72 hour mark. As I sit here writing, I’m at 79 hours with no nicotine. Feeling ok, but the nervous chewing persists. Maybe, it’d be more accurate at this point to call it compensation eating. And on top of that, I’m preparing to lose some teeth in the morning. I just munched serious on tortilla chips because I won’t be eating them EVER AGAIN. 

However, I cannot deny there is another motivation for chomping down on snacks at 11pm. It’s this compensation eating. I have to say that the oral preoccupation, however temporary, was satisfying. I know it sounds a little dirty; giggle if you must. But I mean it, as any smoker understands. The action of smoking the cigarette, or more particularly the inaction (because I’m not smoking anymore) leaves my mouth restless. I have been perpetually waiting for the habitual motion of smoking for three days. It’s been intense. The point here is that crunch of the chip was…. I’ll go with cathartic. Not exactly pleasurable, or what I wanted, but it undeniably released some tension.  

I was reflecting on this earlier today, that at 4pm I could expect this sudden rush of ease to come upon me. That, because “everyone” tells me the hardest part is the first three days, hour 72 would end and I would begin the new phase of my life as a born-again-non-smoker. Conceptually, I’ve been aware that this would not be the case, but as I cannot avoid my own mind, I inevitably allowed this expectation to form. 4pm came and went; I remained with my cravings. I know I don’t have it as bad as some. My co-smoker Sarah tells me she would have been crying long before hour 79. I know my brothers have all tried to quit at some point to no avail. But I’m…ok. It sucks, I want to eat EVERYTHING, and I want a cigarette like I’ve never wanted one. But I also don’t really want one. Not the way I used to. So, there’s that paradox for ya.

Please don’t begin your worrying now. It’s early still. the 72nd hour has passed, I'm smoke free and optimistic. Although, trying not to be delusional. For now, I am diligently fighting the cravings and acknowledging the triggers. This evening, I saw someone smoking and sighed out loud. OUT LOUD! I think this means I am still working day to day, which is obvious to anyone who is not oblivious (i.e. not me) because it has been 3 DAYS!