Honestly, diverting my desire into another channel is not only difficult, but rather painful. It feels like giving up, which is tragic and to some extent resembles what Nussbaum explained about premature death; that I've ceased before completion. I will continue to recite my creed and channel my desire, but I don't want to. The process of changing my focus is more painful than sustaining the continued frustration with unfulfilled desire. We shall see what tomorrow brings.
On other Epicurean considerations: my fear of death perpetuates my empty desire to leave behind a legacy. I have this intense drive to write a great novel, discover some new (or re-imagined) philosophical truth, save the president's life, anything that might write my name on bathroom stall walls of history (please no call-for-a-good-time jokes). Remembrance seems to be an undeniable element to my understanding of the value of this life, meaning that should I die without a legacy, no one would recall me and therefore what would have been the point of living (this particular train of thought strikes me in my more morbid moments).
I intellectually comprehend that when I die, I cease to exist and therefore making what happens after that point irrelevant to me (because I am not). When Epicurus states, "When death is there, we are not, and when we are there, death is not" he nails a truth to the floor. Why should I concern myself with the life I won't live and the world I won't live in? My own legacy will be irrelevant to me, which of course, seems contrary to its purpose because the only person that cares about the existence of my legacy is me and I won't be around to appreciate its presence.
Further, focusing on the development of some scheme towards a lesser form of immortality is a complete waist of my one life. Again, I intellectually understand this. And it bothers me when a person thinks in one direction but whose behavior is about-face. This is where I should work to become consistent. I do not want to indulge my desire for a legacy but to squelch it. However, attaining this consistency will be tricky because Epicurus, Lucretius and Nussbaum all argue that our actual beliefs come out in those moments of real or perceived life-threatening danger. I haven't experienced that and, as much I love this course, I do not intend to throw myself in any precarious situations that may result in my premature demise for its sake. But I think if I did, the cave of my hidden beliefs would be illuminated; the true nature of my apprehension towards death revealed to be....Well, that's just it; I don't know what true nature of my apprehension towards death is. And it is an encounter with death that I require in order to understand it.
Tomorrow's Plan: Wake up one half hour early (I will be utterly impressed if this happens). Assemble one cup of coffee with a splash of milk. Attend class; further the intellectual conversation on Lucretius and Nussbaum. Recite personally constructed Epicurean creed. Contemplate death. Write one film review. Sleep.
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